| This will be my last Xanda or any other online journal entry. I've always used Xanga as an outlet for the way I'm feeling in preference to what I'm actually doing or what's going on in my life. When I started an entry I never knew how much or little or exactly what I would say. It was an account of how I was feeling at that particular moment of time. It could be totally different from yesterday or for that matter tomorrow. Anyone that knows me well knows I'm very moody and my mood swings are very quick and dramatic
I now feel I need to censor myself and I would rather let this site die than do that. Its always been difficult, sometimes embarrassing pouring out my heart to personal friends and girls that I've been close to at one time or another. It becomes increasingly difficult when those you're not so fond off or even hate are brought to your site. But I carried on regardless with the attitude that this is my site and I will write what I damn well like, want and feel. I can't carry on in the same manner now though and have to consider the feelings of others who's friendship I value. I guess that's about all I have to say except to wish my readers a successful future and even more importantly "Happiness"
Well about 99% of you
This site will self destruct in 5 days
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| A friend text me this morning to tell me shit was going on and emailed me a link to read which I couldn't believe. She told me stuff I found hard to accept as true
I don't know what's happening any longer. All I see is contradiction and I'm totally lost as to what's going on. Maybe I should just concentrate on what I do know and that she preferred to chase around after "The dog" in North London this weekend rather than go somewhere local where I would be. Yet she tells me and I believe her coz she's one of the most honest/truthful women I've ever known that she hates her and will only be civil whenever their paths cross. Where as "The dog" is a liar and says they are close friends and meet on a weekly basis. But then I thought back to the last time I tried to meet up, even went to her house...All those months ago "The dog" was supposed to be the most hated woman in the world back then..... Yet who was she out with that night
Maybe I'm being very unfair.....I don't know......I know I'm confused as hell
Maybe I was a fool to believe she was finally over "The dog"...and I had a chance with her. She can't be over her to still want to be friends with someone that continuously insults her, laughs at her and says wicked, nasty, offensive and untrue things about her in public all the time in her own unique foul mouthed manner. A person that is so offensive to so many that she qualifies as one of the rare few to be banned from a public forum.
Maybe she is just repaying me for all the wrong I have done her.
Maybe when she told me all those months ago that her image of me had faded, it was just another way of saying that she no longer liked me.
Maybe I should have taken notice that she will only talk to me once I have contacted her first and that should have been enough to tell me its nothing more than a one sided friendship.
Maybe I'm just so damn insecure and can't read the situation correctly.
Maybe I won't even post this entry once it's finished of the ramblings of a paranoid, neurotic lesbian. It's what I'm feeling though and if I have to censor myself or fear the repercussions. Well I might as well shut down my whole damn journal
Maybe I know I'm being a total idiot and should reflect on something that I've always known and that is the fact that I believe and trust in her more than anyone I ever have in my life before and I'm just really mad at myself.
I just wanted one final try at making us work and all I served to achieve was in hurting myself once again......I'm done
This is my ranting and ramblings so don't bother asking me any questions coz I'm not answering. It's meaningful and very personal to me alone
I don't really feel like saying anything else about my own weekend right now....Maybe next time......If there is one
I just can't take anymore fighting |
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| I had a good time with Karen at Ego's last night although I wasn't feeling very relaxed. I was hoping....well I was just hoping and wishing for something. Karen got wasted while I just had a couple of drinks before stopping
Karen is in the bathroom now getting ready to go shopping with me to the Whitgift Center this afternoon. I'm just gonna prepare a salad for lunch before getting myself ready. Karen has managed to persuade Petra to come out with us tonight to the Black Sheep so I'm looking forward to seeing her again |
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| Yesterday and today I worked until 7pm. Yesterday was my scheduled late evening but I volunteered to stay late today as most wanted to get away early to watch the football. However I negotiated a half day tomorrow afternoon to repay the extra hours I've worked. Both days have been long and tiring so I'm looking forward to getting tomorrow morning out of the way and enjoying the weekend
I had planned on going to G-A-Y tomorrow night with Karen but as I'm finishing early we will probably go to Ego's which is more local for us. When I'm going out in London for the night after work I always take a change of clothes in with me. It saves travelling home to get ready and by that time I don't always feel like making the journey back into town
Things are still strained between Petra and I following the events of last weekend. We are talking but haven't discussed any of our issues. I just want to forget about what happened and haven't any bad feelings towards her. I know how she's feeling at the moment and don't want her to. Not on my account. Geez I've made enough fuck ups in my time and hopefully have learnt from them. I don't want her feeling that I think any less of her coz I don't. I admire her courage and wish some of it would rub onto me. Besides all the drama I've been feeling happier in myself for the last few days
guys can be so.....
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